Breathe in life and breathe out

Was feeling so sucky just now. Really terrible. It felt like I was just being sucked down this vortex of pessimism (that's like so original). I don't know... on the bus I had this overwhelming urge to cry... ya... it's quite scary now that I think about it. What's wrong with me? Am overdramatising EVERYTHING.

Godmum called, she just went through a operation. While she was talking about her op, on the surface I was all concerned and being the dutiful god daughter. I supposed I am concerned about her. I honestly am. But the other side of me just went 'No! I can't do this now! I can't support myself even, I can't be there for you!!!'

I wrote something just now.

I am nothing

I cannot give you support
I am feeling weak myself

I never claimed to be strong
The right words can shatter me
Into thousands of tiny pieces
But you'll never see it

I am selfish and wilful
I willingly submit myself to despair
Knowing full well it is so wrong

Yet when you come down to it
It feels right

I have no willpower
I can never do the things I need to do
Nor say the thing that had to be said

I have no control
I have lost myself.
I don't know how to get back

I am vulnerable to the things that
I care about

I don't know what I am
Nothing.

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eta1 - Went out for lunch last saturday with Mike at Crystal Jade at HV. Yummy. :) Thanks for the belated xmas gift haha. I liked it a lot :)

eta2 - Thank you for calling. It made me feel a lot better. :)

eta3 - Studied so much yesterday and today! 12-8 is not joke. This is like serious cramming. I am so screwed for soci. Bleagggg. I had fun yesterday though, though Dan did bring me around on a tour of my estate and I ended up walking around my neighbourhood aimlessly for 20-30 minutes. =)