I really shouldn't be alone.

It's Saturday.

I don't know why, but recently I don't really have the mood to blog anymore. Actually, yes, I do still blog, but I just keep my posts unpublished. I'm kind of uncertain if I should publish them or not.

It's just - I know I cannot speak my mind on this blog, even though I want to really (and clichedly) say it to anyone who will listen. Yet I always get the nagging feeling when I don't say the whole truth. So I set up another blog. And I find that there are still things I cannot or won't say, because I don't really want him to feel bad.

But honestly, the last 4 months together with Danial has been very very happy. One of the happiest periods in my life; it kind of helped me scrap through what has started as a pretty dreary start to the year. I didn't really write here how happy I was, so I thought maybe I'd just share something I wrote and didn't really post up.

(Let me know if you want me to take it down ok?)

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I am happy =)

I went out with Dan yesterday. Kind of met him online and told him about my plans for tanning were cancelled. He had told me to sms him if I wasn’t doing anything on Good Friday so we can go out. I spent the whole night hesitating.

I wrote this the night before.

‘He told me to sms him if my plans for Friday change so we could go watch a movie. I’m not going with Moon to tan anymore, but I am still so hesitant to call him. Why Christine, why? Why do you always try to make things complicated, want others to approach you first etc. Grah.’

Anyway, he went offline, and a while later, messaged me asking if I wanted to go out. I suppose the hints I dropped about ‘doing nothing’ is strong enough? Hee =)

Met him at Orch. He was a little late, so I went to Forever 21 to look at clothes first, asking him to call me when he’s here. At about 10 minutes after that, I was looking at some clothes near the entrance, and caught sight of him. Only I’m not quite sure if it was him cause he was wearing a cap (I haven’t seen him in one) and well, I was trying to play cool and so on. =p Anyhoo, he was standing there, looking lost and really kind of cute. Gave me a missed call to ascertain it was me I think. We walked to Lido. Lido, being Lido, was really crowded so we walked to Cineleisure. And at that time I was like ‘Oh no oh no… please let this date go well.’ Cause the second date was as important as the first, probably even more important… it is a kind of confirmation,

Went and got tickets for Lemony Snickett, then went to NYDC to have dinner. One of the best dinner date I’ve had actually. I had baked pasta and peach elephantcino and he had lasagna and E=MC2 and we shared a mushroom appetizer. Alright, best dinner date as in the company and food. Lots of laughing and silly jokes about Tabasco sauce, Max and I, and the Genius drink. Hehe. We were putting Tabasco sauce all over our food to see if we could handle the spice, and in the end, we put a whole lot of Tabasco sauce in the remains of my peach drink! Haha… he drink a whole mouthful while I took one sip =p Oh and he got Tabasco sauce in his eyes… poor thing. =/

Was it when it first started? I mean, other than the falling down the stairs incident, the talks on msn… I really had fun at that dinner. And… there was something that may seem trivial to him but I kind of noticed it. I was grabbing the Tabasco sauce and he made a move to grab it as well… for a while… I don’t know. It seemed we weren’t really grabbing the Tabasco but grabbing each other’s hands. Touching each other’s hands. Kind of the first contact, and it was nice…

We went to HMV… Him playing with the balloons then unexpectedly - “You wanna hold hands? =p” I don’t know how to react. I was so nervous! I thought he was kidding. Everything. Flesh Imp, HMV, movie posters… Been there already, but it was like exploring new territories when I’m with him.

Walked back to Cineleisure for Lemony Snickett. Truth be told, I though the movie was nice and all. Truth be told also, I spent half the film looking at him from the corner of my eye. =) I can still remember what was going through my mind – “He’s cute”. Biting people, wiping faux tears off my face =)

‘Did you like the movie?’

Yes, it was nice…

In one sudden movement, he put his arms around mine, guiding me out of the theatre. A million thoughts running through my mind. So happy, so uncertain, so excited, so unsure. But … so happy =D

We stopped outside TCC. I didn’t want the night to end yet.

Have you eaten here before?

‘Nope, you want to have dessert?’

Okay! But I’ll treat, cause you paid for dinner…

For some reason, I’ll always remember how he looked like as he said this. His face softened, voice became so gentle, the look in his eyes.

‘Alright, but I’ve to go draw money first okay?’

Hahahaha. Ok, so maybe it was all in my imagination, cause why would he have a different expression for what he said right? Heh, but if I had to remember the first moment I felt he could be someone special, this was this time

This was the time.

I could still remember it.

We had tiramisu, some weird raspberry latte drink, and a mocha latte drink. There was a lot of talking, a lot of laughing. He cannot eat tiramisu cause he kept choking on the chocolate powder! Hee… And the raspberry latte thing was so awful! HAha… terrible man. We had a good time laughing about it.

He was checking his phone. ‘Hey some of my friends are going to this Electrico gig at Rouge, you wanna come?’

In my mind… Oh my gosh meeting his friends. What if they don’t like me. What if they think I’m not pretty enough for him. What if they think I’m extra?

Out loud … Okay! =D *Big smile

I was really nervous as we were on our way to Rouge. Meeting the friends can be really scary. Or good, if you make a good impression. I was pretty sure I made no impression though. Haha. One or two of his friends I could recognize from pictures. Also, a friend offered him a cigarette, and he asked if I minded. I said I didn’t but he refused it all the same. I thought it was such a sweet gesture… although I really didn’t mind. I just wanted to know everything about him. Things that he does… everything.

We went over to 7-11, then back to Rouge again.

Totally crowded. In the dark. Listening to Electrico perform. With him.

He put his arms around me. It was so natural. I lean back onto him.

It is so nice.

Having someone to lean on. Him holding me.

We later moved closer to the stage. I leaned on him again, and he had his arms around me. The music’s good. He says something, I couldn’t hear, so he leaned closer and spoke into my ear. Sometimes when I think of that I still get little shivers. I pressed against his chest… could actually hear his heart beating. And he’s that nice height where I’m just about a ¾ ft shorter than him. I cannot remember any of the Electrico songs. The whole place was just a blur. Nothing else matters. It was just me and him.

He’ll later tell me that he really liked the tired face I had that night, and would have kissed me if it wasn’t our second date only. Hahaha…

The whole night was over all too soon as Electrico wrapped up their performance.

‘Are you tired?’

Kind of … I have an early morning tomorrow.

‘Okay, let’s go…’

He walked me to the cab stand. Before I got in, he made me stand still for a while outside Centrepoint.

‘You’ll be okay right?’

Ya, I’ll just take a cab home, you go join your friends.

‘I’ll see you on Monday okay?’

He has that soft look in his eyes again. It’s so vulnerable I want to give him a big hug.

Alright…

I stood there for a while, waiting. Maybe I’ll quickly kiss him on his cheek. I don’t know what to do.

Alright, good night.

‘Good night’

I turned and got into the cab. I couldn’t stop smiling. Then I got a message.

‘When you’re home msg me, jus to know you’re safe…’

I still have that message in my phone.

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I need to take a time out.

I miss you a little.