almost here

that wednesday, we watched bewitched.

everything was alright before the movie. like how i playfully asked him to carry my bag for me, and how he gamely agreed, and proceeded to carry my white bag. it wasn't particularly awkward, we walked along cineleisure, heeren, pretty much normal given the circumstances.

during the movie, as i was jostling with him for the drink, he stretched, and put his arms around me.

like our routine. i settled back, and he hugged me as we watched the movie. i missed that... cuddling with him. being wrapped up in his arms.

on screen, will farrell was telling nicole kidman about his special talents (i can't remember what) off screen he told me 'i can do that too, in fact, i'm good at biting lips'

he leaned over and bit me lightly on the lips.

i looked at him. maybe i should... maybe i'll do nothing, i don't want to make a fool of myself like that last time.

i can bite lips too

'really?'

i bit my own lips

'it doesn't count, you have to bite other people's lips'

i looked at him, and smiled. i did nothing still, i'm too afraid to, but i want to. No.

it felt right, his hands rested on my legs, and mine on his. I poked him, and he started tickling me. we doubled over on the chair, laughing. Suddenly it was all like the past again.

like how that one night at sentosa. the merlion walk. with the lights all dim and lovely, the sound of water splashing around us. we were playing around. underneath the statue, he looked up as i bent down to follow him. in one moment, he stood up, pulled me towards him and kissed me. the first time we kissed. cause it felt right.

like how we were sitting on the couch at the coke station. he scored a goal. looking over at me, he grinned. and then, right in front of everyone at the cafe, he leaned in slowly, and kissed me, once, twice. cause it felt right.

And as sudden as the itimacy came, by the end of the movie, he was distant again.

......

at the train station, he waved, as we came to his stop.

let him go... i told myself.

i followed him out of the train. i'll see you off, i told him. he was quite surprised, and he stopped, and sat down on the bench. he montioned for me to sit down beside him.

i sat down, but i couldn't face him. i wanted to remember how he looked like, to remember. sketch it in my mind. because... i don't know when's the next time i'll see him again.

he had one of his arms around me, and i wanted to hug him. i wanted to hug him tightly and him to hug me back. i didn't want to let go, could sit there forever, just like that night we broke up. how strange... that night, i felt closer to him than ever. it felt like his heart opened, and for a while, i was in it. for a while, we were together, at the same place.

i remembered how he pulled me in close, and told me 'one last time'... and we kissed.

i stood up, and looked at him. he was looking back.

i just want to say... good night... good night danial.

i was standing up, he was sitting down. his arms were around my waist, hugging me. i think he knows.

i have to go...

'later, i'll let go when the train comes'

this is goodbye...

and then, he let me go. i walked to the train door, not looking back, cause if i did, i'll cry. at the last minute, i turned around. i've lost him in the crowd.

+++

it's laughable, really. cause less than 3 weeks later, i asked him to meet me again. on monday. seems like my will power is zero.

this time, the general atmosphere... was weird. partially, i guess, because of that phone call. the night i railed at him, told him i was so angry - with him, with myself, with everything. it could be that. or it could be just the simple reason - we're both not what we were a month ago.

watched another movie. this time, we were entirely like strangers already. not even friends, like strangers.

i hated it.

have we become like that? do we have to become like that? it's sad.

sometimes, like mel said, things are not as simple as 'life goes on'.

i wish it was. haven't you realised? i'm trying really hard also. i've fallen down a couple of times. i've hurt myself more times than i care to count. i wish i have a switch to just turn off my emotions totally. totally. so i won't feel anything anymore.

i'm even sick of myself, typing here every few days about how hard it is. a lot of them end up being saved as drafts or deleted.

......

on the train. it was the same scenario as the last time.

he prepared to get off the train, started to wave bye.

i told him, i'll see you off.

he looked at me, 'don't... remember the fiasco the last time?'

i don't care. go go...

didn't tell him the truth was that i don't like to see him leave like that. and i need to hug him.

'so weird one you, don't want to be a girl, want to be like a guy, send people back...' he was half teasing, i think, half not knowing what to do.

i sat down beside him.

a while later, the train came. all too soon. he put one hand on my waist to guide me towards the train. then i lost a little self control. turned around and faced him, one hand on his arm, my chin resting on his shoulder.

i'm sorry ... for saying i was angry at you

i don't think he's heard it. it was barely a whisper.




he didn't hug me back.

and so -

the next train came, i stood outside the carriage doors, my eyes averted towards the other direction.

'bye'

i didn't reply, cause i cannot look him in the eyes.

but from the reflection of the train doors, i could see as he took a couple of steps, looking back at me. then walking away.