Tomorrow and today

I've not been blogging much. Maybe it's just because I've lost the interest. I don't know, I'll just keep doing this for a while, see how I feel in a couple of months time.

Cause I've been blogging for close to 3 years now, and I can't just stop blogging like that. I did take a hiatus, back about a year plus. I was convinced I'd stop blogging for good, but I came back in like 2 months time? Haha...

It's been weird recently. I can't say it was the best of times, but it was certainly a period of time where I had to learn to be strong. It seems weird that after being 'assured, receptive blah blah blah see above tagline' for close to 20 years I find myself really lost for a while. It kind of threw me off for a while. It's like standing outside my body looking at myself as I struggle to come to terms. I did not recognise who I was, and that made me frustrated. Never really occured to me that my moods could be so affected by someone other than me. It made me scared too. And it really haven't occured to me that I am really not much different from other girls as well. Meaning I thought I could handle things very well on my own, but seriously I'm just a wreck.

Anyway! See I've been getting on so well about writing serious stuff BUT have to go supper now. Lala... see if got mood to talk about it later.

Oh ya! I cut my hand! And now there's a pretty pink Disney princesses plaster covering it!
Whee.

Edit

It sounded like I purposely went to cut my hand to wear a princess plaster... erm, I did not. Haha.

Anyway, back to topic. It took my mind a while to wrap the idea around my head. That it's no more. Over. I'm kind of slow to come to terms with things. Just not facing up to things. But I got my wake up call yesterday, catharsis and all, what with all the crying and harsh words.(I really like the word catharsis!) Yes, I got it, I understand.

Now too tired to do anything, perhaps it's better also, just wait till I am too tired to think also. Maybe it's just the Piscean psyche? We tend to wallow... till the deepest depths. Then once we've fully experienced this emotion, we pick ourselves up and move on. It's very Tuesdays With Morrie - when Morrie said we have to let the emotion fully penetrate us, before we can understand what that emotion is about, and then we can start to detach and move on without regrets and fear. Playing each sad scenario in my mind over and over again until one day I'm able to think about it and not feel sad. (This has psychological basis! Haha... Caleb said so) I'm sorry, it's just not me to just forget everything immediately and move on. I tried to on Friday, but I just couldn't yet. Maybe it's a process I have to go through.

Enough of this. It's boring.

Supper was good! =D

I have a test on Friday! Ugh.

Edit

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

No.

Shall I dye my hair again?

Back to bimbotic musings, I have an urge to do something to my hair. Obviously, there's nothing more theraputic (I know this is a wrong spelling again) than spending 5 hours in the stylist's.

I think I might want to dye my hair ... the last time i did was like 1 year back.. and the only set of pictures I can find during that period of time was the Chinablack photos.

The crazy Chinablack photos. Haha...

So.. shall I dye my hair this colour? Kind of unexciting, but I'm always quite safe and conservative when it comes to hair colour.




The totally trashed in the toilet look hahaha.
















I like my tan and my hair colour here... hahahha.











See how... I'm feeling a bit restless.

A rare period of self reflection. Yah, like real.

You know how after something has happened to you, you suddenly see everything in very clear light?

And all the phrases, the emotions, the advices that seem so cliched in the past become really meaningful and applicable?

I hate those times.

It's almost like a literal slap across the face 'I told you so! Why are you so stupid?'

I used to laugh at those people who say stupid rubbish cliched lines like 'Time will heal all wounds'. Cause, honestly, how much more cliched can you get?!! That's like cliched flipped 20 times over! I told myself I don't EVER wanna get acquinted with this phrase ever. Honestly. It's so damn cheesey I want to block that phrase out of my personal sphere. In fact, I'd rather fancied 'A shopping spree / hot guys / Manolo Blahniks will heal all wounds'

Bloody hell. Now I'm starting to think if this phrase might make sense after all!

What's wrong with me!

I still want to believe a ...

(Okay, new Manolo Blahniks are out on the Neiman Marcus website... I have to digress)

Okay, I still want to believe 'A pair of Zebra Stripe Slingback Manolo Blahniks will heal all wounds' or maybe 'A pair of Gucci Slingbacks will heal all wounds'

I don't believe this, I wanted to write a serious reflective entry!!! Why do I keep digressing to shopping for shoes (which I cannot afford!!!)

Okay, so the basic idea is that, I still want to be nonchalant and dismissive and wave my hands in the air when someone gives me 'good advice' like 'time will heal all wounds'. Because I don't want to experience bad stuff! I don't want to go through the bad stuff!!!!! NO!!!

Seriously, I don't want to become old and wrinkled and cynical and nod my head wisely whenever someone says 'time will heal all wounds'. I don't know why, I just don't. I know, this sounds like I don't want to grow up, I don't want to experience and learn lessons from my experiences.

Maybe the truth is that I just don't want the bad, I only want to good.

Is that too much to ask? (YES IT IS)

I don't ever want to grow up. It's not time yet. I still want to stay in a good moment forever. Any good moment, I'm not picky. Just a moment when I was contented, when I have things to look forward to, when the future's still too far to contemplate (it probably still is), and all I'm living for is to go out on weekends with my friends.

A moment when going to school is fun, can talk rubbish with friends in lecture, can check out the cute guy across the lecture hall with Val and Cher and lunch hours last forever talking with the daer people.

A moment when I can step into a club and really have fun without breaking down all the time, where i can drink and laugh and the next morning wake up and do it all over again!

A moment when I've just got to know a guy, and the happiness that washes over me all the time, all the uncertainty, all the excitment and all the subsequent happiness...

A moment where I can sit at Sakae sushi with the crazy jc group and eat 50 plates of food, and sit at the counter being totally mad, taking photos, daring each other to eat more, complaining that we are going to puke, but still sitting there and just talking nonsense!

Maybe I'm just not as strong as I thought, haha... I don't wanna deal with bad stuff!!!

I guess it will be nice to be hopeful and optimistic about everything that happens. I will face up to reality, I just don't want to become jaded. I don't want to become dark and gloomy. I believe everything will work itself out just fine if I just not become jaded and cynical. I still want to be happy, if only for my friends! I don't think a depressed person will be very nice to hang out with! Ha ha!

++++++++++++++++++++++

It's time to put up walls again.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Anyway, everyone's been so nice to me... I honestly appreciate everything... And I just want to say, I want them to know that they can always come to talk to me about anything at all. I'm here to listen...

Hugs to people

First, *hugs* to Wenyi, who's leaving for the US today...

We'll miss you!!! Must keep in touch via your blog, msn and emails k! And take care of yourself...


(Um, Angel. Jiahui, Weixiong, Caleb, Chris, Mel and Wenyi 4th August 2004)

It's been one whole year! Omg, time passes so fast. (This was when Caleb tried to run me down in his car at Geylang right? Eh wait or was it some other time?)

We had dinner at Ding Tai Fung on Thursday, kind of a farewell dinner for Wenyi and Zhengsiong (I have a nagging feeling I spelled Zhensiong/Zhengsiong's name wrongly again). And omg how come Dandan Mien has peanuts???!!!!!!! Bloody hell, the whole dish should be called Peanut noodle, I tell you. It's noodles in peanut and sesame grinded sauce and with a generous sprinkling of peanuts over the whole thing. I think I'd have died if I ate that. And thank goodness Caleb was nice enough to exchange his dinner with my bowl of peanuts.

Damn it. I'll never eat Dandan Mien at Ding Tai Fung.

Always like that... Thai food, Vietnamese food, Chinese food... all stuffed with peanuts.

------------------------

Secondly *hugs* to Cheryl. Happy 21st!



I seriously need to change the colour of my lipstick. It looks nice in real life, but it makes me look like I have no upper lip...

I had dinner with Cher at Pastamania, and then we headed for Club Momo (NOT at Fullerton, btw). Met up with Larry, Weiherng (who let me carry around his damn nice O2 phone like it was mine! whahaha), Weisheng, Sheryl and the rest! Mel came and joined us also! Too bad Chris Chen and Huihui couldn't make it...

Had some drinks at the siting area outside Momo, drank one lime vodka, then went in to dance! But, Mel and I weren't very in the mood for dancing... Haha... they attributed it to not enough alcohol. Seriously, it's also cause I was wearing high heels and it's damn hard to dance in heels!

Then Mel, Sheryl and I went to the bar to get some drinks. Hehe... drank a shot of tequila and a cosmopolitan... and the 3 of us got a little mad. HAha!!! Sheryl says Mel, me and her should go club one day!

Then Sheryl left, and Mel and I went to look for her friend, whose name I forgot. He brought us to the live band area, where he got Mel a Waterfall... I don't know how to say how's it like also... it's like one cocktail glass, one normal glass on fire and one shot glass of different stuff. And it looks damn lethal. It tastes like fisherman's friend.

He got me a glass of tequila (equivalent to like 3 shots) and omg, I honestly shouldn't have drank it. It gets me in self destructive mood.

I don't know... maybe I was feeling restless. Maybe I was feeling pissed off. Maybe I just don't want to care anymore, and I thought by drinking a lot and having lots of fun everything shitty will go away.

I know I don't have to restrain or feel guilty anymore. But I still did. Not that it needed a lot of work, cause I didn't really feel like dancing with that guy anyway.

I went out of Club Momo at about 2am telling them I needed to go to the washroom, and sat down cross legged at one dokey little corner outide Central Mall. Not a very good idea, cause I was wearing this



I sat there for about 5 minutes. Then on impulse, I called Dan.
Mel sent me 2 messages and 3 missed calls (sorry to make you worry babe =))

It's never good to do anything on impulse, and when you have alcohol flowing in your system rather than blood (wah, I just love that thought, yes I totally ripped it off from Paulo Coelho but still). Later Mel came out, grabbed my phone and went 'Eh can you treat her better!'

Hahaha... Mel was really high too.

Kind of puked later at the nearest drain thingy (Mel, not me) and I didn't know why but I just started laughing (haha... sorry Mel) and started pulling back her hair so it doesn't get puke on it. In my mind I was like 'Oh oh!!! Must pull her hair back!!'. I am not so sober myself really. And then we both just started laughing.

HAhaha... I wanna drink till I puke too!!! I've never done it!

Seriously, I'm not like a alcoholic or whatever. I'm just a believer that we should try everything (not too dangerous) once. Like, you should get drunk once in your life to know what your limits are!

Okok. *Hugs* to Mel for being such a great friend, and always looking out for me! =D

------------------------

Saturday I watched Shaolin Soccer. Yes, I was that bored.

At night I went to some restaurant for Daddy's company dinner. The 7th Month thingy dinner, where you can bid for stuff (bidding again. :/ the whole world is bidding). Anyway, cause Dad is part of the organising team, he has to help out do bidding.

Daddy cannot drink! HAHAHA. This year he didn't help out with the MCing though.

We bidded for something



Mum wanted another one too... but in the end the bidding went really high... like 1500++ I think.

*Hugs to Alex, who is a great brother haha. Ok la, because he videoed a very funny incident.

------------------------

*Hugs to Sam, who dragged me out of my house on Sunday, and for the coconut mushrooms! Haha...

We went to the new National Library yesterday! With our brothers! Hahaha.



I'm not short, she is tall!

And the brothers ...



Sam's bro, and Alex Chew. Who's really happy cause he's gonna get his Flesh Imp VIP card soon.

Yes and I'm ending here and this is an adrupt abrupt ending.

I really shouldn't be alone.

It's Saturday.

I don't know why, but recently I don't really have the mood to blog anymore. Actually, yes, I do still blog, but I just keep my posts unpublished. I'm kind of uncertain if I should publish them or not.

It's just - I know I cannot speak my mind on this blog, even though I want to really (and clichedly) say it to anyone who will listen. Yet I always get the nagging feeling when I don't say the whole truth. So I set up another blog. And I find that there are still things I cannot or won't say, because I don't really want him to feel bad.

But honestly, the last 4 months together with Danial has been very very happy. One of the happiest periods in my life; it kind of helped me scrap through what has started as a pretty dreary start to the year. I didn't really write here how happy I was, so I thought maybe I'd just share something I wrote and didn't really post up.

(Let me know if you want me to take it down ok?)

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I am happy =)

I went out with Dan yesterday. Kind of met him online and told him about my plans for tanning were cancelled. He had told me to sms him if I wasn’t doing anything on Good Friday so we can go out. I spent the whole night hesitating.

I wrote this the night before.

‘He told me to sms him if my plans for Friday change so we could go watch a movie. I’m not going with Moon to tan anymore, but I am still so hesitant to call him. Why Christine, why? Why do you always try to make things complicated, want others to approach you first etc. Grah.’

Anyway, he went offline, and a while later, messaged me asking if I wanted to go out. I suppose the hints I dropped about ‘doing nothing’ is strong enough? Hee =)

Met him at Orch. He was a little late, so I went to Forever 21 to look at clothes first, asking him to call me when he’s here. At about 10 minutes after that, I was looking at some clothes near the entrance, and caught sight of him. Only I’m not quite sure if it was him cause he was wearing a cap (I haven’t seen him in one) and well, I was trying to play cool and so on. =p Anyhoo, he was standing there, looking lost and really kind of cute. Gave me a missed call to ascertain it was me I think. We walked to Lido. Lido, being Lido, was really crowded so we walked to Cineleisure. And at that time I was like ‘Oh no oh no… please let this date go well.’ Cause the second date was as important as the first, probably even more important… it is a kind of confirmation,

Went and got tickets for Lemony Snickett, then went to NYDC to have dinner. One of the best dinner date I’ve had actually. I had baked pasta and peach elephantcino and he had lasagna and E=MC2 and we shared a mushroom appetizer. Alright, best dinner date as in the company and food. Lots of laughing and silly jokes about Tabasco sauce, Max and I, and the Genius drink. Hehe. We were putting Tabasco sauce all over our food to see if we could handle the spice, and in the end, we put a whole lot of Tabasco sauce in the remains of my peach drink! Haha… he drink a whole mouthful while I took one sip =p Oh and he got Tabasco sauce in his eyes… poor thing. =/

Was it when it first started? I mean, other than the falling down the stairs incident, the talks on msn… I really had fun at that dinner. And… there was something that may seem trivial to him but I kind of noticed it. I was grabbing the Tabasco sauce and he made a move to grab it as well… for a while… I don’t know. It seemed we weren’t really grabbing the Tabasco but grabbing each other’s hands. Touching each other’s hands. Kind of the first contact, and it was nice…

We went to HMV… Him playing with the balloons then unexpectedly - “You wanna hold hands? =p” I don’t know how to react. I was so nervous! I thought he was kidding. Everything. Flesh Imp, HMV, movie posters… Been there already, but it was like exploring new territories when I’m with him.

Walked back to Cineleisure for Lemony Snickett. Truth be told, I though the movie was nice and all. Truth be told also, I spent half the film looking at him from the corner of my eye. =) I can still remember what was going through my mind – “He’s cute”. Biting people, wiping faux tears off my face =)

‘Did you like the movie?’

Yes, it was nice…

In one sudden movement, he put his arms around mine, guiding me out of the theatre. A million thoughts running through my mind. So happy, so uncertain, so excited, so unsure. But … so happy =D

We stopped outside TCC. I didn’t want the night to end yet.

Have you eaten here before?

‘Nope, you want to have dessert?’

Okay! But I’ll treat, cause you paid for dinner…

For some reason, I’ll always remember how he looked like as he said this. His face softened, voice became so gentle, the look in his eyes.

‘Alright, but I’ve to go draw money first okay?’

Hahahaha. Ok, so maybe it was all in my imagination, cause why would he have a different expression for what he said right? Heh, but if I had to remember the first moment I felt he could be someone special, this was this time

This was the time.

I could still remember it.

We had tiramisu, some weird raspberry latte drink, and a mocha latte drink. There was a lot of talking, a lot of laughing. He cannot eat tiramisu cause he kept choking on the chocolate powder! Hee… And the raspberry latte thing was so awful! HAha… terrible man. We had a good time laughing about it.

He was checking his phone. ‘Hey some of my friends are going to this Electrico gig at Rouge, you wanna come?’

In my mind… Oh my gosh meeting his friends. What if they don’t like me. What if they think I’m not pretty enough for him. What if they think I’m extra?

Out loud … Okay! =D *Big smile

I was really nervous as we were on our way to Rouge. Meeting the friends can be really scary. Or good, if you make a good impression. I was pretty sure I made no impression though. Haha. One or two of his friends I could recognize from pictures. Also, a friend offered him a cigarette, and he asked if I minded. I said I didn’t but he refused it all the same. I thought it was such a sweet gesture… although I really didn’t mind. I just wanted to know everything about him. Things that he does… everything.

We went over to 7-11, then back to Rouge again.

Totally crowded. In the dark. Listening to Electrico perform. With him.

He put his arms around me. It was so natural. I lean back onto him.

It is so nice.

Having someone to lean on. Him holding me.

We later moved closer to the stage. I leaned on him again, and he had his arms around me. The music’s good. He says something, I couldn’t hear, so he leaned closer and spoke into my ear. Sometimes when I think of that I still get little shivers. I pressed against his chest… could actually hear his heart beating. And he’s that nice height where I’m just about a ¾ ft shorter than him. I cannot remember any of the Electrico songs. The whole place was just a blur. Nothing else matters. It was just me and him.

He’ll later tell me that he really liked the tired face I had that night, and would have kissed me if it wasn’t our second date only. Hahaha…

The whole night was over all too soon as Electrico wrapped up their performance.

‘Are you tired?’

Kind of … I have an early morning tomorrow.

‘Okay, let’s go…’

He walked me to the cab stand. Before I got in, he made me stand still for a while outside Centrepoint.

‘You’ll be okay right?’

Ya, I’ll just take a cab home, you go join your friends.

‘I’ll see you on Monday okay?’

He has that soft look in his eyes again. It’s so vulnerable I want to give him a big hug.

Alright…

I stood there for a while, waiting. Maybe I’ll quickly kiss him on his cheek. I don’t know what to do.

Alright, good night.

‘Good night’

I turned and got into the cab. I couldn’t stop smiling. Then I got a message.

‘When you’re home msg me, jus to know you’re safe…’

I still have that message in my phone.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I need to take a time out.

I miss you a little.

Being forced to do this quiz. haha

I am being forced to do this quiz by Chris Chen!

three names you go by:
1) chrisss - i like this
2) peanut - grrr.
3) oei - i used to have to force people to call my name instead of using 'oei' cause that's so impersonal! haha.

three screen names you have had:
1) chrisss - hahaha... no, i am not very creative, thank you very much
2) iridescence - cause it sounds pretty, and evokes visuals of rainbows and happy stuff. (yes, i'm so easily satisfied)
3) rainy - don't know why. some people call me that. haha

three physical things you like about youself:
1) my smile! - hehe... that's the few things i get frequent compliments about *proud* =p
2) my eyes and eye lashes! - without the allergy scars... :/. and i've been complimented on my eyelashes whahaha
3) my height! - erm, i just like it.
*p/s i've been complimented on my healthy cuticles too! whahaha. (ok, enuf self praising)

three physical things you don't like about youself:
1) my fat legs - i'm so unproportional!
2) my hair when it's misbehaving! - seriously, i'd love nothing more than to tie it up in a scarf /stuff it under a cap.
3) i'm perfect!!! i love everything about myself! ahahhaha

three parts of your heritage: (going to copy chris chen's cause i don't know what to write about this)
1) i'm cantonese! i can speak cantonese! and cantonese girls have good skin! (which kind of makes me wonder what happened to me)
2) im a singaporean! wheee! nothing much to say except that i love saying 'la' a lot for some reason
3) i'm chinese! i love chinese new year! red rocks! (whatever.. haha)

three things that scare you:
1) not having modules :/
2) pushy elderly folk who think that since they're old, they can push me around and i can't do anything about it (yes, i'm scared of them, i don't hate them for some reason)
3) loneliness

three of your everyday essentials:
1) contact lenses! i am vain, i even wear contact lenses when i am at home! (which is untrue)
2) anything to do with lip gloss / lip stick / lip balm - i need a lot of lip stuff cause it gets dry easily

3) cell phoneee!!! aren't we all addicted!

three things you are wearing now:
1) hush puppies camisole
2) fbt shorts
3) glasses

three of your favourite bands or musical artists:
1) goo goo dolls - iris, but their other songs are great as well!
2) damien rice - 'i can't take my eyes off you' (ok the blower's daughter)
3) kayne west - love the lyrics, love the tune! seriously, one of the better ones around
(oh and i like ludacris and michelle branch too!!!)


three of your favourite songs:
1) naturaleza muerta - by mario frangoulis! Y esperar
2) someday we'll know - new radicals but i prefer the mandymoore jonathanforeman one
3) cannonball - damien rice
i hate this, why cannot have more? I also like la belle et la bad boy, il fait chaud, stranded, helena, iris, semi charmed life etc etc etc

three things you want in a relationship:
i want everything . the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

two truths and a lie (in no particular order):
1) i am a very emotional person
2) i am really not allergic to peanuts
3) i secretly love singing in the shower

three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:
1) gorgeous eyes
2) just the right height
3) nice shoulders / back (this sounds weird)

three of your favourite hobbies:
1) erm, shopping, i know it's typical and cliched, but i love love love it. trying on my clothes and seeing how i look in it! i have lots of clothes that i never wear.
2) i love reading, actually
3) lying on the beach doing nothing at all!

three things you want to do really badly right now:
1) turn my life back to the right track, so i'm as happy as i am in the past... this sem's pretty rough.
2) be hugged
3) buy the 'i heart me' shirt

three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1) wedding planner
2) teacher (when i was young and naive and thought that teacher's day rocks)
3) marketing person (that's like really vague)

three places you want to go on vacation:
1) eastern/central europe
2) maldives!!!!!!
3) canada

three things you want to do before you die:
1) travel, backpack style, be rustic and sleep in tents! (i'll prob end up in a spa/hotel)
2) do the 'run across the beach with a bunch of balloons and a gorgeous white dress' scenario they always have in movies. or the 'shouting i love you! to someone from the top of some hill overlooking gorgeous scenary' scenario. or the 'hollywood kiss in front of a lot of people' scenario. it's damn cliche, but everyone needs a movie moment in their life!
3) tell all the important people in my life how much they meant to me and that i love all of them.

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1) i chew my food and talk at the same time
2) when i play sports (sometimes la, like during touch rugby days), i can be really rough (ask siewlee!!! i knocked her down!)
3) er... i sometimes check girls out

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1) i try 38295685 outfits, before i go back to the very first one i tried
2) i get hurt easily. then i'll cry
3) shopping is my middle name

three male celeb crushes:
1) john cusack / jay mohr - for some reason.
2) tony leung - swoon, seriously. swoon. in the mood for love
3) ludacris - for some reason also

three female celeb crushes:
1) julia 'i'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy' roberts
2) heidi klum - so gorgeous
3) sarah jessica parker!!!!!!! i wanna be as fabulous!

three people that i would like to see take this quiz now:
1)
2)
3)

don't know

I am damn bored

Hello!

I have a new man in my life!

I'll like to introduce...

Chen Han Wei! :D

He is fit! He shuns public transportation, preferring to cycle instead. In fact, he can cycle as fast as a bus! Who needs guys in convertibles!!! We need more cycling guys!


He is straightfoward! He says it like it is. And he can handle the truth! I mean, I honestly never heard someone ask another person 'Am I ugly' before... people just can't handle the truth...


Yet, he has lots of confidence! Brimming with it!


See, brimming with confidence again! Yet, he is eager to make a good impression on others... that's just so professional.


And that posture!!! Would you look at that!!!


Wahahhaa. Basically I'm damn bored.

Maybe I just wanted to push the bottom post down.

Last wednesday

sms-morningcall-msn-cheeryouupsms-phonecall-goodnightsms

morning call...have you woken up? i got new shoes! did you go to school? :p i got complimented by a stranger today! how was the report? i felt bullied today! :/ did you remember the time i went to serangoon, and we sat in front of the sm machine in kovan, eating ice cream? i didn't cry last night...

suddenly there's so much to say to you.

Up! || Thanks for all the love!

I've decided to talk about happy stuff cause this is a good morning, I had an okay night, and I'm looking at this really funny picture! (which I took, btw) Chen Han Wei in those clothes with those really apt subtitles

Haha... but honestly, to be politically correct, you should never judge a book by it's cover!

Anyway! Some more good news is that at Round 3E, there are actually some more slots open for bidding!!! I'm so shocked really, but I hope that's a sign of stuff getting better. Ok so that, with the Promotional Mgmt that I'll be getting means I'll get 5 modules already! Yayyy!

And to think this morning, I opened up the Cors website to find that I've missed tutorial balloting (which started on the 8th August). Then when I read the fine print, it said 8th balloting is for CELC students only... so whew...

+++

And! Another reason why I'm so absolutely excited is this -



FINALLY!

I went out with Dan yesterday to have dinner at Compassvale, and buy the perfume as well, cause they were selling it really cheaply there. I forgot and thought it was Kovan, he remembered it was Compassvale.

He's really mean! Did you know that dynamites contain peanuts?!!!! Hahaha... So if a dynamite explodes, not only will I get injured, I'll be battling an allergic reaction on my eye too! And he couldn't stop laughing! 'For you, it's an explosion too, when you eat peanuts'. Hahah...

And I also bought some pretty flower hairties! (I was inspired by Sheryl :D)

It was nice last night.

Anyway, I was out with Dan also on Thursday, we watched Charlie and the Choc factory. Had dinner at Marche, his treat and then we went to Starbucks, where he gave me a mysterious black envelope.



There were lots of nice stuff in it. And I was really touched, that he remembers the things that we talked about, and put so much effort into it...

+++

And I went cycling with Sam and her CPF friends Eileen, Sheng and Bernard at ECP yesterday! It was fun! HAven't been cycling for such a long time already. The view's really beautiful from the jetty, and it was all windy and nice.

Her friends were really crappy! Hahaha... I wasn't in the best of moods, but wah, they were really crappy, calling Sam 'jiu hu kia' which kind of translates to 'Johor kid' haha...

+++

This is for the friends - Sam, SiewLee, Mike, Sheryl, Mel, Caleb, Wenyi, Weisiong, Cheryl. Thanks, *hugs* to all of you. You guys are precious =)

Time after time

It is still especially hard at nights when I feel the urge to message him good night.

In the past we used to do that most of the time. Be it via sms, msn, phone calls ...

Good night Danial.

As prideful as they come

********

It's still particularly bad in the early mornings when I've just woken up and at night right before I go to sleep.

But I'll overcome it. I'm made of stronger stuff than that.

Though it really hurts like mad sometimes.

I guess I could go the route where I speak my mind and be absolutely honest about how shit I'm feeling. But it's hard, cause I'm as prideful as they come. Learnt to be less stuck up, but still...

********

Anyway, on a good note, The very nice Prof Lee has accepted me into his class! (Kind of la... practically 99.5678% already! Instead of '37 people', he said '38 people'! I'm 38! Not in the chinese way la.) So wheee!... Am doing project with group member Jiaying, ChuanHui, YongHui and Larry! I can't wait!

I'm going to really throw myself into this project cause get this - we get 1000 bucks if we win! (Or 800 bucks and a table lamp. Frankly, I'm not so keen on the table lamp idea.)
Ok la, cheap thrill. But still!

I've decided that this semester shall be the semester I get into the Dean's List!
Whahaha.

********

Just realised my WMP has so many bloody sad songs!

Going to delete all of those.

********

Charlie and the chocolate factory was good.

I watched it with Dan.

*dannii* says:
the longest yard.... american football show tt i won't drag you to go watch

*dannii* says:
if it does come out..

*dannii* says:
so dun worry

?chrisss [Y esperar] says:
lol... alrighty

?chrisss [Y esperar] says:
:)

*dannii* says:
tho i will drag you go watch charlie n the choc factory with me

?chrisss [Y esperar] says:
? it's coming out?

*dannii* says:
cos i know u'll wanna watch it right :P

*dannii* says:
july... quite a while more

?chrisss [Y esperar] says:
haha... yes. i mean, i would wanna watch it even without being dragged

I asked him out. And somehow, he looks different that day. All dressed up, his hair styled, wearing contacts, and CkOne. It's like seeing him all over again, him at the beginning, yet him as a stranger. For months he had on a cap and glasses.

Dinner was good, hot chocolate at Starbucks was good. And kind of confusing. But I think I may have sorted out what it means already. (I might have made a fool of myself.) A CkOne scented envelope. Full of beautiful things. Stuff that I always wanted to do. Penguins, fishes, boats, hats, cranes, some dart thingy... Photos.

I never had his photo in my wallet, I realised.

Nevermind.

I enjoyed the movie a lot. Although it wasn't as whimsical as I'd like it to be. A little scary at the burning puppets part.

Walked around a bit.

The night was over too soon.

I'm trying as hard as I can

Please just indulge me for a while.

It's so not easy to cope.

And I just saw something in my documents which I wrote on the 3rd August and wanted to post. It is titled 'I am happy' .

It was sort of a detailed recap of what happened on 25th March. Maybe I'll post it. I don't know.

Disney Girl =)

Hm, not much mood to blog. I wrote up a whole chunk of stuff and published it for a few hours, then took it down.

Nevermind.

I'm going to post photos instead =)

Trying

It's just so difficult now, I always have to vet what I'm going to say, lest I say something that might make us both awkward (or at least, make me feel stupid). And I don't really dare to make any more assumptions. And also constantly remind myself that there are some things I am not entitled to anymore, that he's not obligated to do for me anymore...

Good morning and good night messages
Telling him I'm going somewhere / doing something
A little bit of contact everyday
Calling him first thing when something goes wrong

The list goes on.

And after last night, I think I am a little more confused than ever. It was such a sweet gesture, all the things I've wanted to do, all the regrets that I had. He's giving me a chance to do it again. I was touched beyond words. I guess, I'm kind of thrown on how to respond. A million thoughts flying through my mind. But one thought stood out - He's right, when he wants to make someone really happy, he could

What does this mean?

Should I wait for him to say something? Should I ask him? Should I say movie's starting, let's go?

Ultimately, I chose the easy way out. Cause I don't want to know just what it signifies.

So Sam asked me to go out with them tonight, I said, No... I'm not really in the mood to. Tomorrow? I don't know... no mood either.

I've got to do something, go somewhere, I know. Get up, get going.

Even school... I'm totally screwing up this semester, and I'm just so not bothered I'm kind of scaring myself.

I'm trying to...

Don't know...

****************

Thanks for all the care and concern everyone :)Sam, SL, Mike, Caleb, Mel, Wenyi, Weisiong, Cheryl.

It's nice to know that you are loved...

It's nice to be hugged. =)

****************

I don't want.

He put his cap on my head.

You're giving it to me? I ask, unsure. I try to smile a little, just like I used to tease him. Yet I want to cry so badly. Is it a parting gift of sorts?

"No la, you have to return it to me on Thursday..."

Ok, but oh... I can't fit into it I tried to adjust it so that it fits. I want to cry. I never took anything from him home. I wanted to ask for his tee a long time ago, but I never dared to ask. And now he's giving me a part of himself.

He adjusted it, and put it on me again, twisting the cap to a slight angle, just like the way he always wears it.

His hands brushing on my ears, cheeks.

There is a look on his face, but I cannot figure out what he is thinking.

He's looking at me in that way again.

I want to say something, but I'm afraid of what his response will be.

It breaks my heart into million little pieces.

***********

And I have to return it to him tomorrow.

I'm afraid to do so.

The cap is a link between us when we are apart.

Can't let go.

***********

Sin City and Prawn Feeding

I had a good Friday and Sturday!

Went to Dan's school on Friday, had brunch with him...

(I wrote this on Monday, before I went out to school, thinking I'll finish the rest after I get back from dinner with Dan.

Now I'm just not sure if I have the strength to complete it.

I'm not yours anymore.

You're not mine anymore.)

Release Clubbing

Basically, release clubbing is when you club for the sake of releasing pent up frustration and pissed-off-ness, as opposed to clubbing to (1)drink (2)dance (3)drink, get high, and dance madly (4) socialise (5)pick up girls / get picked up.

So anyway, I was feeling really pissed off on wednesday because NUS decided to play punk with me again (haha) and not give me any of my modules, rendering my total count of modules 0. That's right, school starts next week and I have 0 modules. Friggin irritating. I took my mouse and threw it halfway across the table, before stomping into my room and crying under my covers.

Anyway, Chris Chen who was online at that time saw my MSN nick (which was something like 'Don't talk to me unless you have a death wish') and said something like 'Wow so I guess you won't be up for clubbing later?'

I guess not.

Not!

Haha. I needed to do release clubbing very badly, which meant I had to drink some, scold some people, break some glasses (accomplished by a very high Chris Chen =p), shove some stupid people around, talk nonsense. So what better place than to go clubbing right!

Before going out.

I wore this (green tube top with butterfly motif and green distressed denim skirt!

I met Chris Chen (whom I'm gonna call CC for short) and we went to Phuture, got our stamps, then went to some kopitiam to eat. Apparently it's not weird to wear clubbing wear there cause everyone eats there before clubbing














Anyway it was fun! Met Cher there as well while I was standing outside the washroom with CC taking photos (without Mel cause she wasn't there yet... :/) I think I'm gonna try out this hairstyle a couple of times more. I kind of like it... it keeps the hair off my face and I don't have to bother about it for the rest of the night.







It was one for one! So we ordered cosmopolitans, lychee martinis, tequila shots and apple shooters. I'm holding up a cosmo! Heee.... I am acquiring a taste for it, I think. I mean, it's lovely and it's pink! Hee.

And I just love holding a cocktail glass in each hand. =p







Anyhoo, Mel came and joined us! We also saw a couple of people from SA, people from uni, people from swiss! Hahaha...

So what exactly does release clubbing involve?

(1) Being completely frank.
By frank, I mean, totally honest.
There was this girl who walked past me as I was holding my glass of martini, and she suddenly clutched my arm and slunk down, saying 'I'm so druuuunk' (So irritating, people who are drunk at 11). It nearly made me spill my martini!!! Of course, by then, I had a couple of drinks already so I became really frank.

'What the hell?!!!'

(Chris Chen will tell you I used the F word, which is NOT TRUE =p)

And flung my arm away disgusted-ly. Her friend apologised, which I accepted, cause I'm nice.

(2)Being proactive and assertive
Of course, this is a good thing. I've found that release clubbing does wonders to your assertiveness. In short, it makes you really concerned about what's going on around you and you'll definitely take action if you think it needs remedifying!

For example, Mel, Chris Chen and I were standing at Phuture's bar counter waiting for our drinks for a really long time. According to them, I leaned over the bar counter and said to the bartender 'HEEYYY WHERE ARE OUR TEQUILA SHOTS?!!!!!!!!!'

I mean, someone had to ask, right?

(3)Being protective of yourself
In short, it means if someone irritates you, be sure to irritate them back. Don't get mad, get even.

I am talking to you, girl with the (scary) booty who thinks it's a good idea to stand behind me and thrust her butt towards me in a horribly scary manner. Think of those arcade machines where there are several holes with objects popping out, and you have this hammer thingy so you have to hit it?


(Something like this but with the thingys popping out)

This was akin to how she was thrusting her whole butt (and body, actually) about! And it is so irritating, cause she is honestly hurting me! So I didn't wanna scold her (she's a girl after all, and it's Phuture, and I should have expected it) so I bumped her back! HAha..

I lost though, cause, obviously, I have a small butt =p

So! To round this entry off, I'm bored and waiting for the Stephen Chow show to come on, and it's here! So Bye!

I don't know anymore

Maybe it's the PMS.

Isn't it weird how one word, just one word can make you re-evaluate everything good that has happened?

Even it may be said in a way that is obviously (I hope) jokey.

I don't want this too, I don't want to think about it. But honestly, it's affecting me more than I want to give it credit for. It's like a nagging bug at the back of my head. It springs up ever so often and I try to crush it down.

crush crush crush crush crush

Then someone says something, and the thought comes up again.

I don't want this too, but icannothelpit

Honestly. I think this has been nagging at me for some time already. Previously, I've squashed it like all other times, but this time it hits me harder than ever.

HARDER.

Than ever.

Why?

Why is it not you?

It's supposed to be you. All the time.

Why is it not you?

Why is it someone else who asks me about the things I'm worried about?

Why is it someone else who asks me 'Are you feeling okay?'

Why is it someone else who makes me laugh and cheer me up when I'm here typing this as I try to stop myself from crying?

Really, it's nothing at all, if you do read it you probably won't know who this entry is referring to. And I'm just being stupid.

Stupid.

This will pass into nothing-ness. We won't talk about it. We'll just forget about it, no one will bring it up, cause it's awkward. And we don't talk about awkward stuff.

And I will sound so damn stupid.

Elephant in the living room, at least, for me.

*Sane Chris whacks PMS-sy Chris on the head. Shut up la!!! =p It's genetic makeup ... (Thanks Mike =))

Yours

Happy 4 months. =)

Sometimes difficult, sometimes uncertain, sometimes painful, sometimes pissed off, sometimes tired.

Always happy =D

(P/S - pardon the blurry-ness and the tacky photoframe of the first 2 photos. =p It was from some machine at the library which allows you to take photos and email them to yourself! Really cool, but very blurry...)

So yesterday was 1st August.
4 months straddles 1st and 2nd August actually... It would be about 12ish...

Speaking about that, I've been looking through my past entries on this blog, and realised I was really hazy about our first few dates... very vocal about it in my personal diary though. Haha... I might be typing out stuff I wrote in the diary, only because I think it as something I want to remember in this journal. I write more here, but less personal, I guess.

I was never a very demostrative person in terms of endearment, I guess, so now that I feel like expressing myself, it's not exactly the honeymoon period anymore so... =p I don't know... it still is for me, I guess. Aiyaaaa. =D

Love you dear.

So yesterday I dropped by school after getting Don's red alert email. Decided to donate a little more. I've already donated 10 bucks, but I figured I'll donate another 10 more. I mean, I'm not helping on Flag Day, so that's like the least I could do. Stayed for a while looking at the design for this year's rag. I like it! =D

Of Good Dates, being anal and chicken katsudon.

Found myself at Serangoon, where I'm supposed to watch Sin City with Dan, but erm, I think I accidentally spoilt the com. Or no actually I think he did la. It's so funny seeing him sit beside the CPU trying to figure out why the com is not working. Holding the plug in his hand 'I pulled this out, I'm wondering if I should put it back'. Hehe. We ended up watching Momento. Or kind of watching anymore. Hehe =D

Went to Ichiban Boshi for dinner. The food's not that fantastic. The view is fabulous! And for some reason I really really really enjoyed dinner yesterday. Don't know why. Was it what we were talking about? I'm not sure, I just hope what happened happens again. Haha... =D Eh I can go to a jap restaurant and eat only Oyakudon k! =D

Sitting with him at Esplanade... :D

Oh we went to the new National Library!

It's fabulous!

It's tall!

It's really beautiful!

It's 4302359 levels of Reference books!!!!!!!!

Haha.

Anyhoo, if you guys happen to go to the Natl Library, and want to borrow books, it's on the basement level. Don't bother go upwards cause it's just levels after levels after levels of reference books.

Hm. The view from the top is fantastic though, even Mr I'm Afraid Of Heights was looking down when we went down in the glass elevator =p

Wheeeeee........

He sent me back, and I know I've mentioned how much I love train rides with him. But I'm going to say it again. I love riding with him. =D

Yesterday was kind of a good day. Very good day =D


GAlloping Pigs! Jungle Speed! Taboo!

On Saturday! Went to meet the SMP Camp Crew at Holland Village's Settler's Cafe for the Afterglow event. It was fun!!!!

Urm, kind of tired now, so I'll let the pictures do the talking! =D

Comments Please

Tag board is hopeless. Down again, so I have no idea who tagged. Only remembered reading Mel and Dan's.

Mel - I wanna get more Stila stuff! Haha... and Anna Sui!!
Dan - :p :P :p Don't be so anal! HAhaha

Anyway, I've put up the commenting system thingy, which you can find at the bottom of every entry so... comment away. Until Tag Board decides to stop playing punk :/

Oh!!!! Donate to the NUS flag day tmr!!! Especially to those wearing red armbands! Go Bizad!!! :D